In Solitude, I Found Me | A Word for People Who Feel Alone

I was that kind of person who was never confident being alone. I couldn't stand the idea of running errands all by myself, enjoying down time or just plain live. I feel like people are lurking at me, judging me that I, although nothing's wrong, don't deserve to have a companion.

As I grow older, I realized that it is important to recognize your worth and explore your fullest potential with or without someone. I remember when I had my heart broken, I had the notion of not being able to get back up again because I was too broken, shattered rather. I was (too) dependent to my former flames (doing groceries, eating, etc.) and trust me, it's very wrong. It was the me I am never going back. That's why when they left, I didn't know what to do. I was scared. I always asked myself what went wrong, what did I do wrong, am I dispensable that easily or was I just a cigarette break to them only to realize I allowed things to happen...I allowed them to put out the fire that was there at the beginning of our relationship, I allowed drama. Setting aside my pride, I usually took over the drama my relationship had so the sympathy was gained victoriously. 

It took me courage and a lot of leaps in order to attain what I do best - love life. I indulged myself to a series of misfortunes before I valiantly enjoy the realness and rawness of life. I grieved so much when I was alone. I wasn't as confident as I am now. I was in a constant battle between should I and should I not. There were more doubts than taking the leap of faith. The fear of the beyond, the fear of not being being good enough and the fear of being alone recklessly haunted me from time to time but as soon as I began to love myself more, not giving a damn to what people say, I began to feel okay. 

In solitude, I found me. I found me staying strong day by day. The process blazed up because I chose me. I chose me despite the rough patches I needed to go through. I chose me when people hated on me, despised me, bullied me, turned their backs on me. I chose me when I had no one. I chose me when I almost gave up on life. And by choosing me, I realized it was not wrong at all. Your self-worth triples when you choose yourself over anything and it's not being self-absorbed, it is loving yourself, the kind of love that was not reciprocated to you; it is the kind of love that will stay and grow further if you chose to. Given the timing of everything, at first I couldn't understand the whys that were left unanswered yet as days went by, I held onto that promise that God mentioned that in His time, he will make everything beautiful (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

And to you who's reading this, hang in there. You'll find you-- happy, loved, resilient and courageous...and you won't feel alone. Hang in there!

Always,

Jhara

xoxo