A Downpour of Emotion | Letting Go of Pride

Okay. Foreword. I am known to be prideful (fine! most of the time! happy?).

I find dignity in never saying sorry especially if I was not the one who started some random idiotic argument leading the other person to curse me, despise me and neglect me, forever. I am a hopeless case. For me, I would rather have lesser friends than be friends with people whose level of judgement is so shallow that they easily believe the petty lies and judgment heard from other people. Jeez! I would rather choose your non-existence rather than pretending you're there and everything's normal after those humiliating words you uttered against me. I would rather choose to keep mum about everything and moved on with newer chapters in my life without you rather than coexist on the world you kicked me off. Pride, for me, is everything. It is always my ego that unleashes the inner demon that I have making it hard for other people to befriend me or to actually make me ask for an apology. It is not my duty to please people; my perspective in life is IDGAF at all whether you like me or not. I am done pleasing people and I don't adjust with whatever they are fuzzing about me. I discover that some people tend to see more of the wrong things you do than the right ones and I just get tired of explaining my side so my thought is CONTINUE JUDGING ME since you're good at it.

Well people, this is me...well, before hmm sometimes, up to now, I can be bitchy, very bitchy and sarcastic but I am now doing real good on decision-making whether to show such behaviour or not. (LOL) You should be proud!

But modesty aside, talking to more mature people and those who are not making me feel as if they are all-so perfect and immaculately pure are people I admire the most. There is one particular person I do favoured a lot because I really admire the courage she always portrays whenever her close friend (CF) throws tantrums at her. She is the first person I know who slapped me with "learn to bring down your pride" because even my mum can't make me. Maybe because I find her too tough to handle and the way she handles her CF's attitude and showing her soft side with CF made me gave in. That even the fiercest lion knows how to be tamed by a fierce lamb as well.

I learnt that most of the time, pride will break you. I learnt that it is inappropriate to join in the fun of raising your pride as high as your height. She told me to compromise. Guys, compromise has never been in my vocabulary for the longest of time. It has never entered my system because I always have that notion that the other party is the one who caused me trouble and that I should not be sorry for fighting back and defending myself. Compromise. I think this has not been present to most of us here. I don't believe in compromising until I met the woman whose maturity brought me to tears. When asked why is it that it never hurts her whenever she brings her pride down, she told me because it's just ego. The person is more important than my ego. It's just pride you're letting go, your anger will subside but would you let it consume you and regret whatever nonsense you said after? Guys, I have never met a person who took the word EGO as a minor thing.

I was in so much disappointment to myself after she told me this. It struck my ego and for some reasons, I realized what people have been telling me all this time. I had to go through a lot of heartaches and of breaking barriers but it all failed. However, the importance of self-worth is still there after you allowed the person to pierce through you. For me, letting go of pride is very scary. It is not as easy as heightening it and break off relationships. For what it's worth, I took advantage of that moment when this "ate" of mine taught me the lesson about valuing people instead of valuing pride.

Because when you love a person, pride is just a word. The person is more important than prolonging your anger and causing more commotion. Question is, why prolong the agony? The agony of not being able to cuddle, talk it out, make out or just being such loyal crazies because of pride?

At 24, I can really say that I still have a lot to learn when it comes to handling relationships  'cause really, I don't want to lose in an argument as long as I have reasons to defend myself. As for me, I believe in cutting ties in an instant just because the other person made a mistake against me but throughout the process of forgiveness and lowering pride, I realized that it is also appropriate to smash your ego once in your life and accept that at some point, you also have shortcomings and mistakes to the other party and that compromising and meeting at the middle is the best thing to do instead of just saving it up and letting your anger consume the entirety of your whole being. Actually when life hits you real hard, you need to get back on your feet, heal yourself and yield pride once more.

Ego is neither good or bad. It depends, really depends on how you use it. But some times, we tend to forget the good because we unintentionally think that being the one who's hurt means you have the right to prideful. Don't get me wrong; there is time for righteous anger. Letting go of pride is counter intuitive; human nature is to think that when we let go of it, people will take advantage of it and do you wrong repetitively since they know you're forgiving. You know what is the most important thing you'll gain after the very painful process of letting your pride go? FREEDOM. Pride, when lowered, turns out to be a reflection of us, our shame, our responsibility on the mistake done, which is really painful. It scathes and scars the whole you but that's the beauty of it, because after letting go of pride, when a heart is bitter and hostile, you can only become free when you accept and let go. 

Hi Ate, I hope you read this. This is for you. Who would've thought that only at 24 will I learn to submit oneself and compromise. I owe this to you.

Always,

Jhara

xoxo

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