How I Dealt With Heartache | A Reminder

Alas! fresh air, bloomed flowers, green leaves, calm waters. You can finally relax, you can finally bid goodbye to your old self. Months and years have passed, you are no longer the same you as before.

For the past years, it revolved only to the “two of you”. No one has ever managed to break you apart – only circumstances did. Admit it or not, all love stories are truly magical at the very beginning (for some). Only fighters who are brave enough to storm the complications of such misfortunes can surpass this. You see most relationships are full of amusements, exchanging of sweet (naughty) messages , family gatherings, side trips or long drives, birthdays and anniversaries celebrated, food hubs visited and some did various “fancy” stuff. (y’all know what I’m talking about)

There was never a dull moment whenever you’re with that person who keeps you swoon but sometimes, fate becomes playful and the universe doesn't conspire and doesn’t work out the way it is supposed to be. The once-funny-and-romantic-relationship, the no-one-can-falter-the-fire-burning kind of relationship turns out to be a heartache. Starting with a petty argument then it gets worse, then one day you woke up with just you sorting things out. Everything is over. No more long, mushy messages or dates or even hi/hello. Just nothing. Something in you died.

As most of us know, there are 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance – DABDA. Most bloggers have written about it but let me give you my perspective about DABDA. Believe it or not, I did not do DABDA. Well maybe I did it but I skipped most of the stages. I did Denial and Acceptance. Whatever happened to Anger, Bargaining and Depression, I really have no idea. Why I skipped it? I am also unaware and why I only did two, here's my story.

When you come to the cliff of a break up, you ended up bitter to your once-boyfriend/girlfriend. Did I become bitter? Yes! Almost anyone who fell deeply in love with their partner and then put their relationship to an end can never dissever the pain they are bearing. I became bitter for a short time. Just a little bit of bitterness because it is my right to become one. When I told that to my friends, they told me to become angry with my once-boyfriend because he hurt me but that was too immature to do like unfriend or block him? Jeez! Grow up! Y'all need to know that in a relationship, you are TWO not ONE. And if you will be the only person taking full responsibility why the relationship failed then most probably, you're an idiot! I understood in the Denial stage that it is not good to be harsh on yourself just because you are the reason why a break up occurred. It failed not because you weren't good enough; it failed because one cannot accept the other. My friends, you cannot control the thinking of other individuals, you can only control yours so it is up to them if they will not believe everything that you're saying. Saying the truth is a lot different from being a hypocrite. Prove them wrong. Shut the tuck up! :) 

My denial stage started when days after the break up, I still believed that he was only mad at me so I can keep my hopes up. The f@$#%%! I was wrong. No more calls, video calls, chats or messages coming from him. So it's true! We're through! My life was in limbo. I had to ask a lot of people how to resolve it but one special person in my life told me, "Jha, why will you fix it? Just why? He's over you already. Enough! He, in the first place, is not making any move to resolve it, why would you?" And then just like that, my then tormented soul became frozen a bit and I went back to my original self. It was like dry ice woke me up from a nightmare. Like, "Blimey! You don't have to be this harsh on me." But I guess, I deserve it so I can resume my life. My good friend told me that INTELLIGENT PEOPLE DON'T GET STOCK. Why would I stock myself to an emotion that will only make me depressed about this two-year relationship. To be honest, our relationship became toxic perhaps because of previous mistakes we cannot fathom. It was already unhealthy. It was already ready to be destructed in a drizzle and I wasn't wrong. Would you believe I have seen this coming? 

The hardest stage for me and the bravest thing I did so as to keep me going – ACCEPTANCE. It stopped me from asking, from wallowing to self-pity, from whining or maybe from hoping that we can still get back together. You just have to breathe not just clean air, but breathe in that sometimes shit really happens and you have to deal with it. No more restarts unlike before. This is not due to PMS primarily because of mood swings. No! The relationship is done. The post trauma of not receiving messages, not receiving care or love from the person you thought you’ll spend the rest of your life with is there waving at you. This is the time to get back on your feet and game face on, girl!

The moment I resolved all my personal issues and actively enjoying my comfortable life as a normal kid with no social media application trying to ruin me and everything, I found peace. I disconnected myself with petty posts I can manage to publicize because I was too emotional back then. Funny how I only realized the effects of posting your anger on social media then regret it after some time. Well, it already happened so just accept, accept, accept. No more “what ifs”, like what if I did not post it, what if I was not a nagging biatch, what if I am more understanding? Gosh, girl! Enough. It happened. it’s done. You can’t turn around clocks and apologize and kiss and make up. You have done your part. You should not devalue yourself just because you gave your all to your ex. Don’t hate them. Wish them well. And no sarcasm intended, you need to pray for them. Pray for inner peace and if the other person doesn’t seem to mind you, I guess, you still need to pray for them. You have to be kind to them even if they aren’t deserving of your kindness or even respect. That is love right? You still give them love even if we will not receive it in return. Love must still overflow so you avoid hate to happen. Love must still overflow even if the other person can no longer reciprocate it.

What can you do to get yourself back on track?

Focus on your career. Write - anything under the sun, your feelings, your remorse, your thoughts, your reflections. Trek. Flirtsome. Meet new people. Expand your network. Laugh more. Love more. Focus on self-love. Forgive yourself. Enjoy things on your own right now. Just this time, live. Grow up.

Life may surprise you sometimes. Remember during those times when you didn’t have the appetite to eat or to rise from bed, or even make your bed or even smile a little, remember that? See? It’s not you anymore. You’re a totally new person now. You change everyday. Every single day is a reminder that you can have a new beginning. There is a season for everything. Season to fall in love and become happy and season to mourn or grieve because it is still a death – death of a relationship. Rebirths happen. You just have to find yourself somewhere between moving forward or letting the hurt consume you. No worries, it's not the break up that hurts the most, it's the companion of the other person who once told you, you're their happily ever after but not anymore. We will grow from all these. Keep your head up, princess! Your tiara is slippin'.

Always,

Jhara

xoxo

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